somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
