Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize