The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
