I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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