apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
