so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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