dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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