I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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