i always forget guys have bellybuttons
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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