Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
