i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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