My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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