woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
