Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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