It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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