why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
