Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
