You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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