I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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