Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
