i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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