just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
