There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
