I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
