Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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