I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
