the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
