Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Randomize
