seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
please come you make the beer taste better
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize