It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
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