Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
