So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
