you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
