Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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