just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
