that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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