I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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