I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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