thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Even the bartender felt bad for me
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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