I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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