I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
