so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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