saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
