I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
