I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
