can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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