We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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