All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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