I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
