did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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