i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
