To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
