I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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