yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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