last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
