he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
