The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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