Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Non-Jews are for practice
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
