did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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