Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
